The blessing and the curse

For oh, the past 30 – 40 years I’ve identified as a “lifelong learner.” It sounds amazing, right? I’ve always taken great pride in the title. Since learning about my ADHD though, I’ve taken a very close look at the things I’ve actually done with all this learning, in particular, the things I’ve finished. It’s not a lengthy catalogue, and it’s been gathering dust.

Learning is not always doing

It’s easier to list the things I didn’t finish: high school and two colleges are the biggies, and I’ve lost count of the projects. The “paperwork” (certificates, diplomas…) just didn’t mean anything to me. and I might even have been caught snarking at the lack of barriers I faced due to that… “attitude,” is exactly what it was. I had more than enough “credits,” simply not the “right” ones; I just took the courses I wanted—not always what they said I “need.”

But, beyond the obvious youthful exuberance and naivete, this attitude was based in very large part on the fact I was doing things I associated with my goals, things I wanted to do. I was learning with others, resulting in a social life. I was playing music for income and teaching. I finished three university programs, learning computers on the side and monetizing the knowledge.

I developed a reliance on that source of income that simply wasn’t in proportion to the satisfaction level it provided. I now have one entire bulletin board at work dedicated to “certificates of completion” for things I’ve completed—but never done! It might be why I don’t buy into every “set a quota, just finish things” or (the extreme) “quantity is quality” arguments I’ve heard. In many cases they come from smart, highly creative and productive, well-intended people—who can never share my particular experience in my unique space within the neurodiversity spectrum.

Meditation …and a checklist

Unquestionably, meditation, with diaphragm breathing, preceded a recent burst of creativity. I’m not suggesting it’s the catalyst, but I’m certain it’s an important facilitator.

To reject the imposter and emerge from the shadows

I have always been unnecessarily hard on myself. I meditate to stop doing that. In the Medito app I choose affirmations and loving kindness topics such self-esteem, motivation and loneliness, including Giovanni’s.

I track the things I want to do, including daily meditation, on a checklist I keep at the desk where I now create most of my music—a place I visit often, where I’ve been able to reliably keep a couple pens. It’s a spreadsheet I did in LibreOffice, with a column of weekdays forming weeks of rows down the side and 10 activity columns across the top. Of those, 8 are music-self-development items, 1 is “household” and the last one is titled, “If it’s a win, write it in.”

Here’s my only caution: I found it much easier to strengthen and internalize diaphragm breathing meditating on my back. With that foundation, I’m committing to doing it seated, at my desk, before I work or practice. While it’s true successful meditation is by no means reserved for those who practice “The Posture,” I’m convinced there’s a special quality, a centring effect it contributes, that might increase effectiveness.

Next time you’re in your creative space, try meditating before you start any “work.” Think about how you felt a time your work was praised. Create a positive affirmation, like (all or any part of) “People recognize and admire my talent. I am worthy of the respect of my peers. May my ideas today spring forth, flower and bear fruit.” Then think of someone you admire for their creativity, and rephrase your affirmation accordingly: “I recognize and admire your talent. You are worthy of the respect of your peers. May your ideas spring forth, flower and inspire.”

Now make this a habit. Good luck!